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Vain Boys Don’t Kill Themselves

March 23, 2008

I recently reconnected with a long lost on-line friend over YM. Let’s say, he used to be always on-line then disappeared. We weren’t really close in person though we’ve met ages ago. But it’s just that seeing him on-line last Friday made me realize how long it has been since the last “hewo” or Control+G.

Turns out, he just got back from rehab. Sounds so Amy Winehouse at first. But then I realized, things were different because: a.) I personally know him; and b.) he doesn’t look much of a suicide. It bothered me. Who would’ve thought that the scars he has now in his wrists and thighs are all because of wanting to die prematurely? He seemed very normal that time.

Moreover, he opened up about his drug problem and alcoholism as well. Sigh. How can someone make a 360 all of a sudden? Of course, I felt I had no right to scrutinize and rain him with questions so I basically let him share what can be shared. And so, line after line, we began talking about a topic that I am comfortable talking about: work.

And so, in my own special way, I got him to talk less of the morbid stuff and more about the future. Kinda nice to hear that he has a lot of plans about what to do now that he has graduated (or was it also last year like moi?). That’s a good sign, right? Hopefully, he’s gonna stick with a clean lifestyle (9 months and running) and pass whatever counselling slash therapy has to undergo 18 months thereafter.

I usually don’t feel bad or concerned about suicides. In fact, I think suicides deserve to die. Most of my close friends know that. All my life I’ve been trying to optimize my world and myself that is why hearing someone just wanting to die sounds so stupid to me. Say, if someone died because of it, I wouldn’t feel any pity but sheer inconvenience and ridicule. Some people commit suicide because they think they have all the problems in the world and that nobody understands them. But come on, gimme a break. You guys have no exclusive license to misery, you know?

I don’t come from a rich family (not even middle class, I think). I don’t always look good (Hehe). I am short. I am was whatever fat. I have a pathetic receding hairline. My mom’s sick. My dad’s sick. I am basically a loner. I don’t have a healthy social life. My high school life was torture (I was honestly bullied by stupid morons led by a certain JPA). I am eternally single (it’s not always my fault that I am). I always get dumped. I am (I will leave this one out for now). And I am (and this one as well)!? And oh, did I forget to mention Ateneo?

Honestly, when I had to leave Ateneo, that time was so critical for me. It was that time that I heard my ex (yes I had one) is now in a serious relationship with someone from my barkada. Initially when I applied to Benilde, they did not want me (because I already missed the deadline!). And during my first week at Benilde, I got held up and lost P50,000 + video cam + cellphone + whatever’s inside my bad and pockets. I had to walk all the way from Bonifacio MRT station all the way to Sikatuna Village! Don’t ask how it happened but let’s just say they made me go down the bus with them and since I was in a state of shock, I couldn’t really just ride another bus and pretend to be asleep so as not to have to pay the fare. Hehehe. Anyway, trivia, the P50,000 was partly my tuition and my startup money for GoFISH.PH!

I had no friends at Benilde at that time! I had no one to talk to. I had to retake college all over again even though I already had 3.5 years in Ateneo (but come to think of it, how in the world did I expect my Chemistry, Philosophy, and Theology courses to be credited in Benilde?). But did I commit suicide? I did not. Because it’s just stupid. It’s just not worth it. And of course, it helps that I am such a vain person I wouldn’t mutilate myself for anything int his world. Hehehe. Besides, it was also at this time that the son of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago shot himself. And so, the distant thoughts of suicide even got farther away from me. Seeing Miriam bleed her eye out made me swear not to do the same to my mother. Second, what am I a copycat? Hahaha.

Anyway, this is why my blog is entitled “Vain Boys Don’t Kill Themselves”. It’s just a friendly reminder to myself that life may suck and be unfair at times but the fight must go on!

2 Comments leave one →
  1. squid permalink
    July 8, 2008 1:57 am

    when someone feels they are too bad a person for even themselves to love, suicide becomes a reasonable option. like premature euthanasia. the thought ‘but whats the point really right? ‘ goes thru their heads. i dont know who should be pitied, the parents? for some, the only reason they continue living is so not to hurt the people who love them. but dont have love for themselves. and maybe if those people stick around long enough, the suicidals will gain that love for themselves. its easier to be suicidal if you have no friends or family that know you exist. in that sense, its not stupid to kill yourself.

  2. August 19, 2009 7:10 pm

    Suffering is an option..Happiness is a choice! (bow)

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